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A couple of weeks ago, Toby and I caught the red-eye flight and zoomed out of Alaska for a much need respite.  Our justification for the trip was that we were attending Soma School outside Seattle.  We had heard from a great friend that the school was amazing and we hoped to combine our needed rest with a bit of inspiration.

We sorely underestimated the experience.

First, there was no rest.  Our time was packed with non-stop, mind-altering discussion, challenging conversation, and new God-designed relationships.  Any hours not directly scheduled were spent trying to calm our brain and slowly attempt to process information.

Second, the school did not just inspire me.  It changed me.  Or rather, God changed me.  In the matter of a week, I am a different person.

The overarching purpose of Soma was to share the beliefs and life behind leading missionally-minded lives and churches, specifically in the home group format.  To fully inhale the intentionality, we shared, discussed, and lived within Missional Communities for one week until the heartbeat of Soma became our own.  However, methodologically, Toby and I have been leading a church with the same basic principles as Soma for several years.  As such, the concepts were not huge alterations to our systems, but rather confirmed what we’d already felt and been led by God to do.

Instead, the impact of Soma moved beyond the cerebral sphere and dug into me in a much, much deeper place.  Maybe it was due to my current season in life.  Perhaps it was due to my sheer physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion.  Likely, it was due to my history of a theologically strict background.  Regardless, Soma rocked my world.

It was there that God challenged me and pointed out my preconceived notions about God, church, relationship, and purpose.  I saw his relentless pursuit of mankind and felt the rocky romance that has defined our existence.  He showed me his grace and teased me with hope and purpose.  Then he broke down my walls and flicked away my guarded exterior.  He pulverized my self-sufficiency and left my broken pieces lying in a terrifically vulnerable state.

While all of this seems beautiful, God decided to throw another wrench into the works; He welcomed all my fears into the arena to take their turn at me: insecurity and rejection, insignificance and failure.

As we sat in sessions, participants were encouraged to meet with speakers to discuss questions and concepts, and so several times I tried to talk to those leading.  Yet, while others were seemingly embraced, multiple times I found myself oddly blown off.  In addition, twice while in a completely God-wounded state, I found myself strangely reprimanded by leaders.  Their intentions were pure and I am thankful for their courage to be honest with me, but the timing seemed rotten and left me confused and hurt.

I remember standing, staring at one as he spoke to me.  The world seemed to fade away.  His mouth was moving, but all I heard was “wop-wop-wop-wop-wop.”  As I willed my eyes not to leak, I thought, Really, God?  I’m on the ground bleeding and you get the leaders to kick me?  Am I not cool enough?  Am I not welcome?  Am I not good enough?  What’s the deal?  I don’t get it.

It was then that he unveiled a profound truth: it’s not about me.

I know.  Mindblowing.

I saw that God was guiding their actions so he could introduce himself to me in even more beautiful and magnificent ways.  He shared that he is stripping away the crud and crutches in my life and unveiling the beauty that he designed my life to be.  He is restoring me and teaching me who I am, and who he is.  He is revealing himself to me in raw form and teaching me to trust him beyond measure.

He showed me that is only from him that I get my significance and meaning.  He alone provides my direction and purpose.  He is my counselor and identity.  He is my Saviour and grace.

And for the very first time in my entire life, God’s love overtook me.

Soma, you will forever be a defining moment for me, and for that I am grateful: for your transparency, courage, strength, God-reliance, and healing joy.

So now here I sit in a chilly Starbucks, staring out at a snowstorm, and trying to process what is happening with me; this processing will definitely take some time.  But for now, this I know… after years of living for God, I feel as though I’m finally meeting him and falling deeply in love.

I am broken.  I am healing.  I am changing.  I am scared.  I am thrilled.  I am uncertain.  I am curious.  I am ecstatic.  I am hopeful.  I am confident.

And I am ridiculously loved.

This summer, I’ve had alot of things appear in the middle of night.

Little, wiggling boys sans clothes and underwear.  Phone calls with urgent requests.  Mosquitoes the size of pterodactyls.  Grown men yelling threats.  [...]